I love giving advice. Maybe too much.
Someone brings me a problem and my mouth is already moving with possible solutions. My wife. My kids. My teammates. I’ve normally got an answer. Heck, I’ve probably got three answers. (I most likely have a framework for what to do next too.)
So I ran a test. For one week, I gave zero advice. None. When someone came to me with a problem, I only asked questions. Then I shut up.
It was a lot harder than I thought.
Why giving advice felt so good
Here’s the thing. Giving advice feels great. It makes you the smart one. The hero and the person with the map. If you have the right audience, there are a lot of people that are listening and leaning into your advice.
Some of these people are looking for a solution to their problem. Some are looking for a scape goat…someone to blame when it goes wrong. A select few are looking to prove you wrong or have a full-on debate. Others are wanting to genuinely learn something new.
Every time I solved someone’s problem, I got a little hit of dopamine. Look at me. Look how helpful I am. Look at how much I know.
But that dopamine hit was hiding something. The people I was conversing with kept coming back with the same kinds of problems. Over and over. I thought I was helping. I was really just making myself the bottleneck.
Day one was rough
One guy in the training I was facilitating hit the wall on a concept. He came in hot, and wanted me to argue with him about why I was right. He wanted to be right in front of the room.
So I asked, “What do you think we should do?”
He blinked. Paused. Then he gave me a decent answer. Not perfect in my mind, but decent. I asked one more question. He made it better.
I said almost nothing. He walked out with a plan he built himself.
This interaction was drastically different than the worst training I ever delivered.
What I noticed by Friday
People stopped waiting on me. The people that I regularly interacted with came into the conversation with answers. They may have started by stating the problem, but part way through their delivery, they remembered the recent adjustment in my communication style, and they brought forward some answers as well.
One person told me, “The past few days, I’ve noticed that you’ve been asking more questions. Are you ok? I like the conversations that we’ve been having.”
I hadn’t said much of anything. That’s the part that stung a little.
My advice wasn’t growing them. My questions were.
Try it. You’ll hate it at first.
Pick one week. When someone brings you a problem, ask before you answer. Try, “What have you tried?” or “What would you do if I wasn’t here?” or “I don’t know. What do you think?“
Your brain and hands will itch to jump in. Your mouth will even start to open to speak. Sit on your hands. Bite your tongue.
This is the whole theme of my book.
Ask. Learn. Grow.
The best leaders I know talk less than you would think. They just ask the right questions and get out of the way.
If this resonated with you, grab the free Lead Like Jim Checklist at the link below. Four leadership habits you can start this week.
Or pick up the full book at lucasmcalpin.com/my-book
Want more like this? Start with Chapter One of my book.
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